I’ve seen a lot of bad bosses in my time, managerial vampires who live off the souls of the people with whom they work. I’ve had some of those people for bosses. And occasionally, I catch myself tempted to act like a bad boss.

You know what I’m talking about. Somehow as a culture, we’ve mass-produced bad bosses. But here’s the problem: We haven’t been systematic enough about it. If we’re going to pump out bureaucratic nightmares, we need to be more intentional about it. So, I thought I’d share a few secrets I’ve learned over the years, which are guaranteed to make you the object of scorn among the people you work with.

Trust me on this. Follow these simple rules, and soon you won’t have to worry about all that pathetic “employee morale” stuff. You can kill it in a heartbeat. And you should! This is what bosses do.

  1. Always assume the people you work with are trying to get away with something. This is the key to the whole thing. If you want to be a certified soul-killer, question everything people do as if you’re sure everybody’s out to cheat you—you just haven’t figured out how yet. But you will. Oh man, you will. Trust no one.
  2. Remind them every chance you get just how lucky they are to have a job at all. Believe me, they’ll forget if you don’t regularly bring it to their attention.
  3. Be vague about your expectations. People get complacent when they know exactly what’s required of them; it’s too comfortable. They need the challenge of trying to read your mind/expression/body language.
  4. Let them know that their family life should always take a back seat to the job. “Oh, so you have a family, do you? I bet they like to eat, don’t they? It’d be a terrible shame if all that precious food and shelter you provide should suddenly disappear. I think we understand one another. So, finish the Peterson report before you go home tonight.”
  5. Repeatedly tell people how to do their jobs. Clearly, they don’t know what they’re supposed to be doing or how. They want/need you to tell them in detail. You’re smarter than they are (you’re the boss, after all), so don’t be stingy with your wisdom.
  6. Take credit for everyone else’s ideas. People get a paycheck. They shouldn’t expect recognition too. If they want the glory, they should be the boss.
  7. Never accept responsibility for your own mistakes. You’re the boss, which means you’re the smartest. So, by definition, any mistakes that occur must be caused by someone else. Make sure that someone else is always standing close by, ready to receive the blame.
  8. Try to make all decisions yourself. People don’t want all that needless “responsibility.” Most folks are like cattle who only want to be told what to do by thoughtful people like you. Don’t complicate their lives unnecessarily by burdening them with authority.
  9. When you do find yourself in a situation where you have to give people the authority to make decisions, always come behind and change/dismiss/criticize those decisions. Don’t let anyone get comfortable making decisions without obsessing first over how you’ll take it. You’re the boss, right? The people who work with you should always worry about what you might want.
  10. Be condescending and sarcastic. Everyone wishes their job was more like high school. You are in a unique position to help them recall the wonders of adolescence.
  11. Be passive-aggressive. The world doesn’t have nearly enough signs posted by anonymous fatheads looking to make a ridiculous point about yogurt consumption in the break room refrigerator. You can be that person! People secretly want to be manipulated by worthless know-it-alls who can’t quite work up the courage to say publicly what they want.
  12. Always pay people as little as possible. This is obvious enough that it shouldn’t require any explanation. You’re trying to make a profit here, not line the pockets of the undeserving. People just waste money anyway. You’re helping them learn to be more frugal, which you should feel good about. Don’t let anyone tell you different.

Easy peasy. So simple are these rules, in fact, that just about anyone can ruin people’s lives and kill the souls of those with whom they work.

Don’t believe me? Just ask the people who call you boss.

Now, get in there and crush someone’s spirit!

Did you ever have a terrible boss?

The worst!